I don’t know what is worse actually, the questions or the answers?
I guess the answers are painful and the questions are scaring me. It is always a combination of both anyway.

I am part of a huge universe that I don’t really understand. I am here as a human being who came to life and who will die someday, possibly rather soon. And so are you. This is true and it’s important to me. And at the same time it is still very hard to accept. But I can’t ignore it. In fact, I have chosen not to ignore it any longer. Even though there are obviously a lot of unknowns still, I don’t want to pretend not to know anything about time or about life and death. There is a lot that I do know and I want to live in the truth, in my truth about life and about the nature of being.

At this point, even though I don’t actively ignore my own truth anymore, I am not able to fully embrace it yet either. So it comes in waves, which seems to be the only way I can handle the full reality of life, of me. In some ways I am choosing to let it in, but usually a creepy and lonely realization just falls over me and then all I can do is weather the storm and take some time to regain my senses. And between the waves it is like my brain puts up a wall and doesn’t allow me to access things that might be too much to take.

So I am on a journey to hopefully reach some level of acceptance of the nature of being so that I can keep it with me. At least to such an extent that I feel whole somehow, and in such a way that it does not cause me to panic or to burst into tears uncontrollably. Sadness and fear can still be there. They are an important part of who I am, and they are very strongly connected to my joy, my love and my truth. I just want to find a balance so I don’t have to keep swinging between having the feeling I am missing some key puzzle pieces that are hidden by a wall in my brain and then being completely knocked out by the whole 4D puzzle flying around me.