The time I have, the life and the love that I feel, it means so much to me but I don’t really have it. While I am grateful to have just a taste, it hurts to have to let go of everything, constantly and inevitably.

I am only sensing, witnessing, trying to put love and energy back out there while I still can. Everything is passing by so quickly. I want to hold on. I know it is impossible, every moment is disappearing, I am disappearing. Life is one goodbye and I’m only allowed to focus on hello. I still find it so scary to be what we are, and it is even scarier because everyone else seems fine with it. It is like I am the only one who can see everything that wasn’t, isn’t and won’t be anymore, or at least not for me. People can ask me why I don’t just focus on what is? Well that is just it… I want to be able to honor the goodbye, so that I can truthfully appreciate the hello for what it is and see it in contrast to what it isn’t.

Of course, whatever life I get to experience is everything, because there may not be more to come for this consciousness I call “me”. But also, I can’t lie to myself, beyond my very own everything, there is so much more, so much more that continues beyond me, so much more that I do not get to witness, so much more that I may not get to be part of, that only my mind can visualize and imagine and let go of as longs as I am alive. So with my death comes the end of my everything of this life, but with my death also comes the end of having to stare into a much greater everything that I cannot reach.